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As the scapegoat child, we may be adults now, but for many survivors, our childhood is still happening and living inside of us right now – here are five tips to help you begin to break free. &nbsp;Being the scapegoat child would have been something you learned about gradually as the years went by. You would start to blame yourself for things going wrong when it wasn’t your fault, perhaps you didn’t feel you could expand and spread your wings because every time you did, you were mocked and criticised for being yourself. These things may not seem like much at all but over time, they add up to something big – the erosion of your self-esteem, confidence and self-worth and worst of all, the erasure of your true self.1. Visualise yourself expanding into who you truly are – and who you want to become. I read a post on Instagram from another therapist who specialises in scapegoat child recovery and it discussed why as the scapegoat child, we start off enthusiastic and full of passion, only for the project we are currently working on to fade and run out of steam. We get to a certain point and then, it all fizzles out. Basically, the reason for this is that we felt we had to to keep ourselves small because we learned that being successful, happy and fulfilled was far too risky. We learned from a very young age that in order to survive, we had to sacrifice our authenticity. We had to shrink to fit so we would fit the glove and not the other way around.We reach a point where our nervous system kicks in and catapults us right back into protection mode which is why it’s so hard for many scapegoat children to find the fulfilment they are seeking. We find reasons to quit and no longer try and we keep moving from project to project, hoping that will be the one that works only to find that the same unconscious patterns are repeating. It never works because we haven’t been able to address the root cause which is:“It’s not safe to be me.”Perhaps you were laughed at when you told someone you trusted what you wanted to achieve one day or maybe you were told you were stupid for making a mistake that many other people do and made to feel like you were inferior or defective. Whatever the issue, it would have been something that made you feel guilty, just for being yourself. As scapegoat survivors, we need to feel comfortable embracing wholeness. This is something that felt scary to me for years, because I was worried about ‘what people would think of me’ if I just became myself. Now, I’m thankful I can say that I am able to deal with this issue now but it’s taking a lot of time and it’s not without its setbacks.2. Challenge limiting thoughts and beliefs.Narcissistic abuse is like an invisible toxin that gradually seeps into our pores. We don’t realise what’s happening until we bring our awareness to it. If you always feel that you don’t deserve what everybody else has or you tend to absorb the blame for everything that goes wrong, chances are you learned from a very young age that this is just ‘how it is.’ The opposite is true in fact. This was how you were raised to feel and it isn’t actually true at all.We grow up believing that if everybody says it, then it must be true. We need to survive in a highly toxic environment and unfortunately, the scapegoat has no choice but to assume this role because it’s all part and parcel of keeping the fragile narcissistic family dynamic in tact. When one or more children in this family unit resign from this role, it does the unthinkable. It exposes the truth and threatens to collapse the existing status quo.The minute we start to question our reality and why things are the way they are, that makes us dangerous to those who rely on illusion to keep things ‘happy and harmonious.’ The scapegoat is there for the sole purpose of being ‘the fall guy.’ They take on the projections of all the defects of the narcissistic parent and this is a heavy burden to carry and some of us do so for decades until we find the courage to set it down forever.3. Find out what it is that makes you truly passionate and happy — and do it!When you are being emotionally abused by a narcissist, it relies on you being anxious, depressed and generally, miserable. This is the only way you can survive being around them. There is an unspoken rule that everybody must adhere to the ‘official party line’ and it means nobody can do what they want to do unless it is ‘authorised’ by the narcissistic parent. In the case of a golden child sibling and the scapegoat child, it is not uncommon for the narcissist to use the happiness of the golden child to make the scapegoat feel invisible and worthless. They will deliberately give the golden child as many opportunties as possible so they can abuse the scapegoat child even more.They play each child off against each other via triangulation so even happiness which should be given free and and unconditionally to both siblings is weaponised. Everything has an agenda and comes at a price if a narcissist is involved. In truth, the golden child sibling is abused too but in a very different way as some can become entitled, selfish and expect things to just land at their feet when they get older without working hard. They may even become narcissists themselves or at the very least, highly toxic.They never develop emotional strength and resilence because they have been given everything from the very word go. There has never been a need to try because they don’t have to. This breeds ineptness, inertia and a tendency to blame others for feeling a sense of inner lack. They are actually ‘in debt’ to the narcissistic parent because they feel obligated to return all the ‘good’ they have been the recipent of. This is because relationships with a narcissistic parent are transactional.The narcissist exerts different methods of control for different purposes and it’s not uncommon for one child to have a completely different experience of reality to the other growing up. This is emotional abuse. When the scapegoat child decides to escape and create their own happiness and success in life, nothing hurts and angers the narcissistic parent more. On paper, the golden child sibling is the only one ‘allowed’ to do this and when the scapegoat breaks out and accomplishes this on their own, it shatters the narrative that you’re useless, pathetic, incapable and worthless. You are everything they feared you to be — and more. You are a real person.4. Don’t be afraid of committing to your goals wholeheartedly — because that’s where freedom and success really is.Now, this was a big one for me to overcome as it required me to face some deap seated issues that I lived in fear of for decades. When I wanted to commit to something, it felt like I was about to go to prision. I hated the feeling that I could be restricted in some way as it meant the death of my soul somehow. That’s how being with a narcissist felt to me — that I couldn’t be myself and to me (especially as an Aquarian where having freedom meant everything to me), was the worst kind of fate.Looking back, I feel I have spent most of my life running away from that which I feared the most which was to live in an emotional and spiritual prision. I was afraid of completely losing any concept of who I was as a person if I committed to anything or anyone. (I am surprised I actually got this far if I’m honest!) Being obligated to something was a fear I developed in childhood because it meant having to sacrifice who I was to please others. This is something the scapegoat is very familiar with.Of course, being non-committal meant that I was also losing out on things that had a great deal of value and if I ever wanted to be truly successful, it would mean making that choice to follow through at some point.I realised that I needed to feel that I was the one making the choice, not someone else. That was where the problems started. Now that I’m an adult, I know I can make a choice that is mine and mine alone and not feel as though I am sacrificing any part of my authenticity to do this. A cage was always my greatest fear but then I realised that it wasn’t so bad if I had the key. I had to learn to listen to myself and develop my own capacity to make decisions. I went through life for decades giving my power away because I believed (actually believed) that my voice and my feelings didn’t matter. Now, that thought seems crazy to me which means I must have healed quite a lot!5. Realise that you are so much more than someone else’s punching bag — and learn to stop saying sorry! I remember for many years I said ‘sorry’ every single time I asked for help. I felt so guilty as it seemed to me I was putting someone out by asking them for assistance. I learned that making mistakes was something that I shouldn’t do as I was always screamed at for this when I was at school. I quicky learned that I had to practice infallibility and this is why I became an extreme perfectionist. This was extremely hard on me and as happy as I was when I achieved my 2:1 music degree, specialising in orchestral performance, (yes, good on paper) that I nearly killed myself for in the process, it felt like I had compromised too much of myself for it. I was in a world I didn’t truly feel a part of. It was brutal and I have to say I really didn’t enjoy it. I did it because I felt like I had to prove my worth, not becuase I really wanted to do it and that is very hard to admit.What I really wanted to do looking back was an English degree but I allowed myself to be swayed by someone who wanted me to ‘play in an orchestra.’ That’s all they cared about. They wanted me to make them look good and of course, that’s what I did. At least now, I am making things better. I have just finished my first work of fiction and I am half way through the editing process now and I am determined to become a published author one day. I am not going to give up on what I originally set out to do and I hope my story encourages you to do the same. It isn’t too late and you can pick up the threads of the life you really did want to have. If you want to do something, there are no limitations. Your mind is the only boundary. Once we learn to surpass this, then the world really is your oyster.

From scapegoat, to escape – how to break out of the scapegoat child conditioning.

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For many years, the survivors of narcissistic abuse have had to keep themselves small in order to survive. A big part of healing from this kind of abuse is taking steps to embody who we truly are. Now, after many years of being abused, it might feel extremely uncomfortable to feel any other way than what you do now. If you have always been used to people pleasing and narcissists violating your boundaries, it may feel like healing is impossible. The biggest challenge is taking your power back but this starts in the simplest way possible:By refusing to give the narcissist access to your presence by going no contact or as minimal contact as possible.&nbsp;This is the beginning of things changing.The narcissist can only influence you if they are within your immediate environment. Taking away their supply is key and it is one of the ways we can really begin opening the door to our true selves. The second biggest challenge is as follows:Not letting the narcissist live in our physiology. Breaking the trauma bond is instrumental to our healing. Becoming aware of how the narcissist found the hook into our being means being able to heal it and close it off for good so this never happens again.&nbsp;What do I mean when I say that?The narcissist only targets the individuals who they perceive as having 'weaknesses.' They see people as having empathy, love and care for them as a weakness and of course we all know, being able to love somone is never a weakness, it's always a strength. There is one key difference here (and please keep in mind I am not shaming the survivors of narcissistic abuse here, I am merely pointing out the facts with the following):They isolate your needs and if they see that you are in desperate need for being loved because you've never experienced this before, the relationship will move very fast. You will not have the necessary boundary in place to safeguard yourself from a potential abuser because you will be operating through your emotional needs and old truamtic wounding which will be driving you forward towards this person without a second thought as to whether or not you should. Narcissists are predators who know exactly what they're doing and they will only work on the people they know will lower their boundaries for them because they have unhealed emotional needs.With this in mind, please remember the following:NOBODY DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.&nbsp;Just because someone has unhealed emotional wounds does NOT mean they deserve to be targeted and abused. It may explain why they have been abused by a narcissist but it in no way justifes it. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to except that I also played a role in why I was targeted for abuse. I did have unhealed trauma that needed to be addressed and once I did that, it was like cauterizing a wound for good. It was painful to have to face those unhealed parts of myself but it was absolutely worth it. This helps us to expand into who we really are (and please be aware that it's a process. It doesn't happen overnight and there are many ups and downs in this experience) but what matters is that we take small steps every single day towards our healing. It's consistency that matters. As someone who has healed from narcissistic abuse, I am aware of how dark, empty and lonely this journey can be. I really am. I say this with as much love and compassion as possible - you deserve to find true happiness, freedom and love in this life and that's what I want to help you achieve. Healing and recalibrating your nervous system is key to healing and by simply bringing awareness and understanding to what it is you need in order to heal, you can create the strong foundation you need to create a genuinely, happy life where you live from a place of authentic connection and wholeness.&nbsp;To book your free initial consultation and take that first step towards being happy and free, please send me a message via the contact form and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.&nbsp;Christina.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Why narcissistic abuse survivors need to expand into their being.

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<h3>The one thing that is guaranteed when dealing with a narcissist is that they absolutely despise your joy and happiness. Nothing makes them angrier or more determined to sabotage your every move.</h3>Here’s why they can’t stand it:1. It reminds them of how miserable they are inside – and they don’t like to be reminded. Narcissists are a black hole of depression and misery. Everyone around them must to succumb to this as well in order to survive and cope with their behaviour. If you show even the slightest hint of happiness, they will work hard to quickly bring you down again to their level.Everyone in the sphere of the narcissist must conform to the official party line which also has an unspoken agreement with how everyone in the midst of this dysfunction should be treated. Anyone who is close to the narcissist will know only too well that they are incredibly volatile and can flip like a switch instantly. The narcissist controls everyone with their mood.2. If you are happy, it means they can’t control you anymore. This is one of the reasons why narcissists will discard you. They see that you no longer need them to feel fulfilled and validated – and when this happens, they will get rid of you as quickly as possible. Your happiness shows them that they are insignificant. To a narcissist, control is everything. If you start to heal and begin creating your own happiness without them, you will no longer feel the urgency to take care of their needs.They know through your previous trauma and old emotional wounds that you will stay with them indefinitely because you are outsourcing your inner power to them. As soon as you take control of your life and start making your own decisions, they know their time is up. This realisation leads to some of the most brutal discards ever because they know they are no longer significant in your life.3. It shows them that you don’t conform to the role they have given you. If you are the scapegoat child for example, you will have been assigned a role where you are naturally guilty and take the blame for everything that happens within the toxic family unit. This is your burden as far as the narcissistic parent is concerned because they need to project their inner inadequacies and lack of self-worth onto someone else. They can’t cope otherwise. You are the ‘fall guy’ for everything that goes wrong and this role never changes.If you dare to step outside of this role and create your own happiness, you are creating a cardinal sin and to the narcissistic parent, this is unforgivable. You are expected to stay in this role and not do anything that might contradict that narrative. Being happy and successful doesn’t happen to the scapegoat child in their mind and if it does, they won’t be able to handle it. They will discard you asap if they see you becoming your own person.4. It shows them that you are capable of self-actualisation when they are not. If they see you going out into the world and creating your own happiness, nothing angers them more. They can only achieve happiness when everyone around them is miserable. This happiness is fleeting and temporary whereas your happiness is authentic, genuine and has its origin in a strong spiritual foundation.They cannot deal with this. The light is too bright for them to handle as they are separate from this abundant source. They see us from the emotional prison they are living in and feel powerless to do anything about it. Narcissists are victims of their own inability to heal and deal with their internal trauma. Rather than heal this, they inflict it on the people around them who didn’t do anything to deserve it. They externalise their internal pain and spread it outward rather than heal it from where it started.5. Narcissists live to create misery. It’s what gives their lives meaning. Happiness is something that doesn’t register to them. A narcissist’s identity revolves around keeping other people small and subjugated. It’s how they operate. They thrive on drama and chaos because it creates constant problems. This is what they need in order to feel important. If everything went well and people were happy, there would be nothing for them to do and the spotlight would come back onto them.It deflects from their inner feelings of annihilation and low self-worth when they can set the cat among the pigeons whenever they like and watch the people in their lives tear themselves apart. The more they can get away with it, the happier they feel. They like to see themselves as ‘the master of puppets’ and they get off on the fact that nobody sees them for who they truly are and believe in their mask of virtue.Focus on you Your happiness will always be the greatest threat to them because you have an opportunity to live a life that is authentically yours. They know they can’t do this which is why they go to so much trouble to ruin things for you. The more love and attention you give yourself, the more they will resent and blame you. This means that it’s working! Eventually, you will cast the narcissist out of your life forever because they will no longer be living in your mind, body and spirit– and that’s the eviction you need.With love and blessings for your continued healing…Christina xx

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