From scapegoat, to escape – how to break out of the scapegoat child conditioning.

As the scapegoat child, we may be adults now, but for many survivors, our childhood is still happening and living inside of us right now – here are five tips to help you begin to break free.
 

Being the scapegoat child would have been something you learned about gradually as the years went by. You would start to blame yourself for things going wrong when it wasn’t your fault, perhaps you didn’t feel you could expand and spread your wings because every time you did, you were mocked and criticised for being yourself. These things may not seem like much at all but over time, they add up to something big – the erosion of your self-esteem, confidence and self-worth and worst of all, the erasure of your true self.

1. Visualise yourself expanding into who you truly are – and who you want to become.

I read a post on Instagram from another therapist who specialises in scapegoat child recovery and it discussed why as the scapegoat child, we start off enthusiastic and full of passion, only for the project we are currently working on to fade and run out of steam. We get to a certain point and then, it all fizzles out. Basically, the reason for this is that we felt we had to to keep ourselves small because we learned that being successful, happy and fulfilled was far too risky. We learned from a very young age that in order to survive, we had to sacrifice our authenticity. We had to shrink to fit so we would fit the glove and not the other way around.

We reach a point where our nervous system kicks in and catapults us right back into protection mode which is why it’s so hard for many scapegoat children to find the fulfilment they are seeking. We find reasons to quit and no longer try and we keep moving from project to project, hoping that will be the one that works only to find that the same unconscious patterns are repeating. It never works because we haven’t been able to address the root cause which is:

“It’s not safe to be me.”

Perhaps you were laughed at when you told someone you trusted what you wanted to achieve one day or maybe you were told you were stupid for making a mistake that many other people do and made to feel like you were inferior or defective. Whatever the issue, it would have been something that made you feel guilty, just for being yourself. As scapegoat survivors, we need to feel comfortable embracing wholeness. This is something that felt scary to me for years, because I was worried about ‘what people would think of me’ if I just became myself. Now, I’m thankful I can say that I am able to deal with this issue now but it’s taking a lot of time and it’s not without its setbacks.

2. Challenge limiting thoughts and beliefs.

Narcissistic abuse is like an invisible toxin that gradually seeps into our pores. We don’t realise what’s happening until we bring our awareness to it. If you always feel that you don’t deserve what everybody else has or you tend to absorb the blame for everything that goes wrong, chances are you learned from a very young age that this is just ‘how it is.’ The opposite is true in fact. This was how you were raised to feel and it isn’t actually true at all.

We grow up believing that if everybody says it, then it must be true. We need to survive in a highly toxic environment and unfortunately, the scapegoat has no choice but to assume this role because it’s all part and parcel of keeping the fragile narcissistic family dynamic in tact. When one or more children in this family unit resign from this role, it does the unthinkable. It exposes the truth and threatens to collapse the existing status quo.

The minute we start to question our reality and why things are the way they are, that makes us dangerous to those who rely on illusion to keep things ‘happy and harmonious.’ The scapegoat is there for the sole purpose of being ‘the fall guy.’ They take on the projections of all the defects of the narcissistic parent and this is a heavy burden to carry and some of us do so for decades until we find the courage to set it down forever.

3. Find out what it is that makes you truly passionate and happy — and do it!

When you are being emotionally abused by a narcissist, it relies on you being anxious, depressed and generally, miserable. This is the only way you can survive being around them. There is an unspoken rule that everybody must adhere to the ‘official party line’ and it means nobody can do what they want to do unless it is ‘authorised’ by the narcissistic parent. In the case of a golden child sibling and the scapegoat child, it is not uncommon for the narcissist to use the happiness of the golden child to make the scapegoat feel invisible and worthless. They will deliberately give the golden child as many opportunties as possible so they can abuse the scapegoat child even more.

They play each child off against each other via triangulation so even happiness which should be given free and and unconditionally to both siblings is weaponised. Everything has an agenda and comes at a price if a narcissist is involved. In truth, the golden child sibling is abused too but in a very different way as some can become entitled, selfish and expect things to just land at their feet when they get older without working hard. They may even become narcissists themselves or at the very least, highly toxic.

They never develop emotional strength and resilence because they have been given everything from the very word go. There has never been a need to try because they don’t have to. This breeds ineptness, inertia and a tendency to blame others for feeling a sense of inner lack. They are actually ‘in debt’ to the narcissistic parent because they feel obligated to return all the ‘good’ they have been the recipent of. This is because relationships with a narcissistic parent are transactional.

The narcissist exerts different methods of control for different purposes and it’s not uncommon for one child to have a completely different experience of reality to the other growing up. This is emotional abuse. When the scapegoat child decides to escape and create their own happiness and success in life, nothing hurts and angers the narcissistic parent more. On paper, the golden child sibling is the only one ‘allowed’ to do this and when the scapegoat breaks out and accomplishes this on their own, it shatters the narrative that you’re useless, pathetic, incapable and worthless. You are everything they feared you to be — and more. You are a real person.

4. Don’t be afraid of committing to your goals wholeheartedly — because that’s where freedom and success really is.

Now, this was a big one for me to overcome as it required me to face some deap seated issues that I lived in fear of for decades. When I wanted to commit to something, it felt like I was about to go to prision. I hated the feeling that I could be restricted in some way as it meant the death of my soul somehow. That’s how being with a narcissist felt to me — that I couldn’t be myself and to me (especially as an Aquarian where having freedom meant everything to me), was the worst kind of fate.

Looking back, I feel I have spent most of my life running away from that which I feared the most which was to live in an emotional and spiritual prision. I was afraid of completely losing any concept of who I was as a person if I committed to anything or anyone. (I am surprised I actually got this far if I’m honest!) Being obligated to something was a fear I developed in childhood because it meant having to sacrifice who I was to please others. This is something the scapegoat is very familiar with.

Of course, being non-committal meant that I was also losing out on things that had a great deal of value and if I ever wanted to be truly successful, it would mean making that choice to follow through at some point.

I realised that I needed to feel that I was the one making the choice, not someone else. That was where the problems started. Now that I’m an adult, I know I can make a choice that is mine and mine alone and not feel as though I am sacrificing any part of my authenticity to do this. A cage was always my greatest fear but then I realised that it wasn’t so bad if I had the key. I had to learn to listen to myself and develop my own capacity to make decisions. I went through life for decades giving my power away because I believed (actually believed) that my voice and my feelings didn’t matter. Now, that thought seems crazy to me which means I must have healed quite a lot!

5. Realise that you are so much more than someone else’s punching bag — and learn to stop saying sorry!

I remember for many years I said ‘sorry’ every single time I asked for help. I felt so guilty as it seemed to me I was putting someone out by asking them for assistance. I learned that making mistakes was something that I shouldn’t do as I was always screamed at for this when I was at school. I quicky learned that I had to practice infallibility and this is why I became an extreme perfectionist. This was extremely hard on me and as happy as I was when I achieved my 2:1 music degree, specialising in orchestral performance, (yes, good on paper) that I nearly killed myself for in the process, it felt like I had compromised too much of myself for it. I was in a world I didn’t truly feel a part of. It was brutal and I have to say I really didn’t enjoy it. I did it because I felt like I had to prove my worth, not becuase I really wanted to do it and that is very hard to admit.

What I really wanted to do looking back was an English degree but I allowed myself to be swayed by someone who wanted me to ‘play in an orchestra.’ That’s all they cared about. They wanted me to make them look good and of course, that’s what I did. At least now, I am making things better. I have just finished my first work of fiction and I am half way through the editing process now and I am determined to become a published author one day. I am not going to give up on what I originally set out to do and I hope my story encourages you to do the same. It isn’t too late and you can pick up the threads of the life you really did want to have. If you want to do something, there are no limitations. Your mind is the only boundary. Once we learn to surpass this, then the world really is your oyster.